When your husband does not listen to you, it can make your thoughts race for miles. You might think that he has emotionally abandoned you, or he is not in love with you anymore.
You might feel alone when your husband seems to listen to everyone but you. You might think he doesn’t take you seriously, because he doesn’t like to hear about your day.
If you want to make your husband listen to you, and you want to have better communication with him, first let’s check off a few things on your side.
When you talk to your husband, do you tell him things that you wish he would change about himself, whether it pertains to his behaviour or to his general lifestyle? Stop trying to change him.
In any relationship, you can only control yourself, not the other side. No matter how close you feel to another person, you are not that person, and sadly, who they are is not under our command.
- Don’t be a kind wife, be a charming wife!
Don’t get me wrong. Nothing is wrong with being nice – to anyone. All I mean is, do not devote yourself and serve your husband with the expectation that he sees your effort and changes his own manner in return. As plausible as the idea might seem, reality tends to fall short of the ideal.
Let’s think about our children, for instance. Even if you pour all your love into your children, do they recognize your effort and treat you respectfully and politely? Not necessarily.
Being nice to your children does not automatically earn your respect. The same goes for your relationship with your partner. You sacrifice anything for your man, out of love, but once you find he doesn’t even notice, it sows resentment and scars you deeply.
Your bottomless effort and sacrifice toward your partner will not make him respect you and love you more. If it pleases you and fulfills your life, go for it but do not expect anything in return, especially not in the idealized form you have created in your head of what is appropriate, or how his behaviour should meet your expectations.
- Do you say or do things toward your husband that kill his mood for conversation?
The important thing in any relationship is to push the reset button every once in a while. We can all get upset with anyone at some point, since no one is perfect and our communication methods are not 100 percent free of misunderstanding. There is always a chance that our words come across slightly twisted, or our tone or facial expression could be misread.
Even if your conversation with your partner has not gone anywhere in the past, sometimes you need to divert all the built-up emotions and try to look at him as though he is a new person, without all the annoying acts and words of the past written all over his face.
Do you blame and resent your husband while denying your part of the fault?
We gotta admit we are not perfect, and we never will be. I know you might consider how much he has hurt you, and decide that what you’ve done to him is minuscule by comparison. True as that may be, it will be much easier to open his heart to a conversation if you accept his hurt feelings and apologize for whatever you said or did to upset him.
Think about what your ideal relationship is for you and your partner – and then think about what you could do to reach that goal.
Do you want humorous communication with your husband? Or maybe you wish to have a respectful conversation without raising your voice or resorting to foul language. Then you initiate accordingly.
It will be hard to break a negative pattern, especially when the other side is making the same mistakes and triggering you. But if you overcome your own temptation to reciprocate, at least you are in a spot where you want to be, even if your partner is never able to get to that point. Also, there is a chance he will recognize your improved self-control. Even if he never gets it, I congratulate you that you’re halfway there, having done your part.
Once you’ve self-reflected on your side of the communication, here are a few tips to help you make your husband listen to you:
Men also like women who listen to them
As much as you want your husband to listen to you, I mean really listen, with consistent eye contact and proper responsive gestures – and if he has questions or sensible comments, all the better – the question is, do you do the same when your partner talks to you?
Remember when you first met your husband, back when he was still Mr. Charming, and you would gaze at him through chemistry-charged eyes. You might have laughed more often, with pronounced eagerness. Maybe because you wanted to let him know his presence excited you, or maybe you simply wanted to know more about him.
Well, that Mr. Charming became your husband, and more likely than not, he became Mr. Predictable. We women tend to analyze our husbands until we know them inside out. Once that happens, their conversation and quirky jokes often don’t even trigger a snort anymore.
Nevertheless, men like women who listen to them. Studies have proven that men are sexually attracted to women who listen to them and respond to their talk.
So, are you an attentive listener when your husband talks? If not, are you willing to be?
Pick the right moment, or set the mood
The moment your husband enters the house – ready to settle down after a long day – wouldn’t be a good time to strike up a serious conversation. But at the dinner table, the kids are present. After the kids have gone to bed, he wants to watch TV. Then, f-ing when?
Well, it depends. If you want to enjoy his company, talk about things that are relevant to him, especially things he’s interested in. Start with simple comments here and there and gradually build on the rapport as you begin to share interests with him.
Then, when you do have an important matter you have to discuss, give him a distinct condition like, “I know you want to catch up on that show, so give me 5 minutes so I can discuss the car insurance with you. I’ll be quick. It’ll be done before the show starts.”
Please do not prepare a special meal and wait for him with the intention to unload your built-up conversation. If you try to do it all at once on your own terms, it can quickly go south.
Think of it as more like a quick peck here and there, to set the mood for a kissing marathon.
Pick the right method
This is 2021, going on 2022. We do not always have to talk face-to-face. Send a text. Send an email.
Unless you are looking for a more intimate conversation to close up the gap between you and your husband, there’s nothing wrong with delivering your message in the easiest and most convenient manner. This way you even have a record of the communication, so he can’t deny you told him.
4. Conversational manner – melt the ice first.
Sprinkle some jokes, bring out your best humour. Praise things he’s done recently that deserve some credit. It doesn’t have to be big.
Make sure he is looking at you. Grabbing his attention and maintaining eye contact is key. You must talk into his eyes, otherwise, your words will not effectively reach his brain.
Are you a productive person who likes to get to the point? If you often talk to your husband to remind him of things he hasn’t done yet, it can come across as constant nagging. It is perfectly understandable that all you want to do is make your family function. But we are very emotional animals. Sometimes we have to take one step back before the approach.
If your conversation with your husband often revolves around parental or family duties, take a moment to detour by asking him about the things he is interested in recently.
Also, do not start a conversation directly about something that upsets you. In other words, don’t initiate conversation if your patience has run out. If this is your case, you will need to compose yourself first, so you can set a positive mood before tackling the problem.
To have a better conversation, you have to have respect toward the other side and vice versa. If that respect has been broken, you have to re-establish it on your part, since you cannot control your partner.
Anything you expect your partner to change, you have to change first.
For example, if you want him to look at you when you talk, you have to make eye contact. For example, if you are doing dishes and your husband starts talking about something, no matter how cumbersome it might feel, close the tap and turn around and look him in the eye.
Sometimes an indirect approach is the way to go, when you want to heal a rift between you and your husband. If your husband does not listen when you talk, set an example by giving him your full attention whenever he talks, with eye contact and appropriate responses.
But remember this – true conversation is not talking!
True conversation is listening and responding!